Cultivating Freedom (10 Ways to Feel More Alive)

Last May, I took a solo trip to Chicago for the wedding of one of my friends from middle school (nothing like writing that in your mid-30s to make you feel old). I arrived early Friday morning to escape the day-to-day (which at the time was working my full-time job, working my creative side-job and parenting) and have an extra long weekend with time to myself. The weather was beautiful - blue skies and sun, warm, but enough of a breeze that I could comfortably wear a light jacket. I had planned out enough of the weekend to know that I was going to do a lot of walking and eat some delicious (vegetarian) food (highly recommend: Little Goat Diner, The Purple Pig, Taylor’s Tacos, and Mario’s Italian Lemonade), but left enough space to see what called to me in the moment.

Avocado toast from Little Goat Diner, one of the restaurants by Top Chef Champion and James Beard awardee Stephanie Izard. I’m still recreating a version of this avocado toast at home for one of my go-to meals. Ciabatta bread, avocado, strawberries, jalapeños, pickled onion, radish, chili pistachios, cilantro, parsley, sunflower seeds and a cilantro dressing. It could easily be a salad if you omit the bread. On Saturday, I took myself to the Chicago Botanical Gardens on the recommendation of a friend. I was there before they opened (hazards of being an early bird, a habit I can’t shake even when on a solo vacation), so I sat on a bench in the middle of the grassy lawn, and let the sun warm my face while I watched the flowers in the garden in front of me. Most of them were a rosy pink - at times they moved gently in a soft breeze, and at others, the wind was strong enough that it seemed like the petals would fly right off the stem. In the distance, behind the tall trees that lined the perimeter of the park, I could hear some type of music, mostly drumming, echoing off of nearby buildings and reverberating right into my body.

this is a screenshot of a video, the flowers were really blowing in the breeze at this pointI had my sketchbook/bullet journal, so took it out of my bag to jot down a few thoughts. What I wrote was “I feel home in a place I’ve never been”. (I had been to Chicago, but not to this particular place). I had a fleeting thought - does this mean I’m supposed to move to Chicago? It’s a thought that has occurred to me before, for no real reason other than I’ve enjoyed myself the few times that I’ve been there. But, no, I realized that what felt like home wasn’t the place I was in - it was the feeling I had in that moment. It took me a minute to recognize it - that what felt like home was actually freedom. I can confidently say that the most free I’ve ever felt was when I studied in France during the Spring semester of my junior year of college. One of the reasons I felt so free while abroad was because I had minimal responsibilities (really, none, other than attend my classes and do 1 big project at the end of the semester). The whole point of being there was to enjoy the once in a lifetime experience. And I did. Making friends with other exchange students and a group of locals. Walking to the local market for fresh produce, and learning to cook on a one burner stove. Potluck dinners. Minimal cell phone use, mostly limited to texting logistics of travel with the pay-as-you-go cards we’d buy at the store. No tv (though we did track one down for a little Super Bowl party one night). Thursday nights at the discotheque, immediately followed by baguettes dipped in Nutella, before pouring myself into bed at 5 am. Getting 3 hours of sleep before an early morning class. I was one of the only ones of my friends who had a Friday class, and as soon as it was over, we would jump on a train for the 1 hour ride to Paris. Sometimes to stay for a night or two, sometimes meeting friends from home who came to visit from their abroad programs, or sometimes as the connection to the next destination - Berlin, London, Amsterdam, Madrid, Barcelona, Prague, Vienna, the South of France, Monaco… I was incredibly privileged to have this experience and am forever grateful to my parents for giving it to me.

One of many photos of me in front of La Tour Eiffel, 2008. I returned from abroad that summer to a new house (my family had moved out of my childhood home during the semester), and quickly went into my summer internship and then Senior year- classes, job searching, graduation, a cross-country move to California and my first corporate job. A quick transition into the reality of life as an adult in a world full of obligations, restrictions, rules and responsibilities.But I don’t want that to mean that the most alive, happiest version of myself only existed when I was 20. Over the past few years, I’ve come to realize that alive is a feeling you can create for yourself. For me, that feeling is synonymous with freedom. For you, it may be something else entirely.I’ve started to take note of the things that make me feel this way, and the things that don’t. Over the past few weeks, as I’ve adjusted to my new schedule (having been laid off at the end of 2023), I have found some days to feel freeing and joyful, and others to be utterly boring. I have more free time now than I did when working full-time, but it’s quickly filled itself up with tasks from my ever present to-do list - cooking, going to the gym at a normal hour instead of dragging myself out of bed at 4 a.m, caring for my son when home sick, errands, drs appts, considering my future career path, etc. So I may not be able to carve out five months of responsibility-free time for myself at this stage in my life. Even now, I’m writing this from my phone while my son, who was home with me half of last week with a fever and some virus, now has conjunctivitis and is again home with me. But I’ve found ways to string together a series of little moments that do bring me that feeling of freedom. I thought I’d share some of the things that help me feel this way, so you can try them too.

1. Less time inside my house. For the past 5 years, I have spent most of my time in my house. Starting with the birth of my son in February 2019, through Covid quarantine turned full-time working from home, and now unemployment, I have spent so much time in my house, and really, in my office. I am definitely finding it helpful to get out of the house, whether that means spending a few extra minutes at the gym to relax in the massage chair, bringing some work to a coffee shop, or taking a walk outside - which brings me to the next one. 
2. More time outside in nature. I love being outside. Our neighborhood is great for walking, and the snow hasn’t been too bad yet this winter, so I’m trying to get out for longer walks with my dog and my camera. We also have access to nearby bike paths or hiking trails just a short drive away. Sometimes I’ll just lay in my hammock (which I keep out year round for this purpose), staring up at the branches of the oak tree in my backyard.
3. Less screen time. I hardly ever turn on the tv, but there is always something I could be doing on my computer or phone and they are rarely things that make me feel free (scrolling social media, posting on social media out of perceived obligation, checking email, etc). I recently read this article fromHow to Feel Alive with Catherine Priceso wanted to share in the event any of you are looking to spend less time on your phone. How to Feel Alive with Catherine PriceWelcome to the February Phone BreakupHi everyone! Welcome to the February Phone Breakup, an opportunity for everyone (myself included) to take part in a playful group experiment, based on my book How to Break Up With Your Phone. The goal is to reset our relationships with our devices and, in so doing, reduce our anxiety and burnout, improve our attention spans and memory, increase our sense…Read morea year ago · 41 likes · 48 comments · Catherine Price
4. Singing out loud. There are just some songs that need be sung out loud. Personally, I love to sing, and if you know me in real life, you’ve probably heard me singing in the car, humming along to a song in a store, or seen me inaudibly mouthing words to a song in the gym (HAHA, I recognize this is probably absurd, but I just can’t stop myself). But if you aren’t someone who likes to sing, just try it when you’re by yourself. A few recommendations for songs that always put me in that sing-out-loud mood: Tom Petty’s “Free Falling”; One Republic’s “Good Life”; Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”; Betty Who’s “All of Me” or “Jaded” by Miley Cyrus. If those aren’t your taste, pick your own! 
5. Watching the sunrise. This is one of my favorite things to do, especially when I can get out of the house, preferably to a beach, with my camera. But with a five-year old at home, this is usually reserved for a few weekends in the summer when someone else can be here while he sleeps. But the sun rises in my backyard and though it’s not the same as an ocean view, sometimes I stand at the slider doors after letting my dog out and just watch the way the light filters through the trees, or the colors changing in the sky. 
6. Yoga. I typically get to yoga 2-3x per week. It brings me a sense of peace that is hard to find- quieting my mind and just letting go of all of the clutter. I love hot yoga, but since my neck injury have been favoring slower, restorative classes over a more fast-paced flow. 
7. Go somewhere new. This could mean longer travel, when available (I am definitely looking forward to my two-week art residency in France this coming May!), but more often for me it means visiting a new museum, or a day trip to a nearby town, stopping into local boutiques or coffee shops. I’m lucky to live near Salem, MA, which has no shortage of interesting spots to explore. 
8. Painting. When I started painting, it filled a piece of me that I hadn’t known I was missing. I love seeing a piece of finished artwork, but the feeling of freedom doesn’t come from the final product, it comes from the process. In my artist statement, I wrote “when a paintbrush is in my hand, I lose all track of time. My approach to creating is both conscious and intuitive. My process begins with a concept I want to explore, a brainstorm of connected titles or lines of poetry, and a perfectly curated playlist. I then give myself total freedom as I approach each painting, immersing myself in the moment, memories and emotions I want to convey. I can’t help but let the energy pour out of me - my use of saturated color and playful mark making allowing the painting to take on a life of its own.” (If you’re interested in painting but don’t know where to start, one of my favorite teachers is about to launch his free art of your life workshop - you can find out more here! (Note, this is an affiliate link but the workshop is totally free. There will be information about a paid offering following the free workshop, with no obligation to join. However, if you do, let me know - this will be my 3rd year taking the course, and I can honestly say it completely transformed my paintings).
9. Let go of any obligations for as much time as you can. That may be an hour, a day, a weekend. Just give yourself the gift of time. You can do absolutely nothing but sit with yourself. Maybe read a book. Or choose something you’ve been wanting to do but have put off.

Learn something new. I love learning. I am always enrolled in some type of course, typically a creative one. I’ve taken courses in calligraphy, painting, drawing, digital art, surface pattern design, Adobe illustrator & Photoshop, photography courses, astrology and manifestation, creative entrepreneurship, etc. Right now I’m taking a portrait drawing course at one of my local art centers. I’m not a portrait artist, and as an abstract painter, I don’t have plans to become one. I do have ideas for ways representational elements may find their way into my paintings for an upcoming project, but even if they never make it there, it’s fun to learn something new and get out of my comfort zone. I’m also enrolled in an online French course, specifically geared for intermediate French speakers to help them better understand day-to-day informal spoken French. Though my residency will be in English, I plan to spend a night on either end in Paris, so am using this as an opportunity to refresh myself, as since graduating college, my French isn’t something I’ve had the opportunity to use very often. 

sketches from my first portrait drawing class, last week

If you try any of these, let me know what happens - you can leave a comment below or send me a note (I think you can do that on Substack though admittedly don’t know how. But you can always email me at hello@jocelynelizabeth.com)!